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Blogging is therapy...

I decided to start a blog so I could remember the things I forget when I have my seizures, but now I've realized that I like it a little more than that. This is a platform that allows me to get out all of the feelings and thoughts that I tend to keep to myself. I din't know if anyone is reading these posts, if so...hello. This has and probably will from now on turn into my therapy. Self-medication if you will. I went to my local mental health office today for an appointment. It was for a behavioral health assessment and I was going to talk about being put in a day treatment program. Day treatment due to the isolation and maybe even the lack of regular meals on a daily basis. I didn't go for the day treatment due to the nervousness about getting to know a whole new group of people. I'm usually great around strangers but for some reason the idea of getting acquainted to a new group of people is just scary. I told the lady who was doing my assessment that I was going to try a little bit of "self therapy" at home before I gave into joining the program. This is going too be my therapy. I'm going to podcast also. Podcasting is not as easy as blogging is for some reason. The idea of sitting and talking to myself just is not as easy as writing. I believe I'll spend a lot more time writing, but podcasting is just another avenue to try to alleviate some of the mental stress that I have in my life. All this is going to take a lot of coffee. I'm going to try to keep the subject topics away from my roommate and how his life choices affect my life, but if they become so invasive do not be surprised if you find them on here. Do not be surprised to find all kinds of odd writing. Poetry, essays etc. I love to write. I always thought that I loved to talk too, but I came to find out that I live to listen more than anything. I have a few sermons that I've written in the past that I'll end up posting on here just so I can have copies of them posted in the cloud. At least on here I can talk and no one can hear me. I can say whatever I'm feeling and I know that my roommate cannot hear what I'm saying. It's different with podcasting. I have to wait until there's no one here but me and that's usually at night. I would rather talk during the day but that's the curse of having a roommate. Funny, I want to talk about things and I want complete strangers to hear them but I don't want the people that are closest to me to hear what I have to say. That has to be some sort of "condition". I'm sure there's a diagnosis for that. I'm diagnosed with some sort of depression and Lord knows what else as far as mental health goes. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the isolation and wanting to keep my emotions to myself. I'll get all of that figured out one day. I have to depend a lot upon the Lord. He gives me strength. Without Him, by now the epilepsy alone would have caused a suicide. That is a struggle in itself. Everything that comes along with it is just extra baggage. That baggage gets heavy sometimes. Lack of a job, living on disability, losing my memory, these are the major hardships I have to deal with in my life. If you can just imagine all of the little things that branch off of these major problems. There are a lot. A major one I always forget is not having a driver's license. I forget because i haven't had one for over 18 years. Getting around by other people or the system has just become my way of life. I've grown used to it. Man it feels good just to pour all of this out. I never realized how much I liked typing. I'm actually getting a lot better at it too. Once you go and start trying to talk through these keys, typing becomes sort of second nature. Trying to get all of this emotion out, it takes quick fingers. Well, this is probably the longest post I've had so far and I didn't complain about my roommate once. Like I said this I think is going to be my new therapy. At least on here I can talk. It seems in real life I'm not that good at talking, I tend to clam up around people when it comes to things that are personal to me. I only really talk about things that are personal to me with people that I trust, and there are very few of those left. That's one reason I like this blog, because I can talk to myself. I at least listen and care about what I have to say and the weird thing is I'll forget about it all and be able to come back and read it all again one day. I hate to end this post, but my roommate just left so I'm going to try to do a therapeutic podcast. Maybe after typing all of this I may have opened up a doorway into something I can talk about. Heck, I paid for this whole podcasting setup and come to find out I like blogging more....and I'm better at it.

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