• just a servant...

I feel one coming...

That's the thing about seizures, most of the time we get an aura that tells us one is around the corner. I woke up this morning with a "not so great feeling". After all these years I can tell the difference between just the morning morning blues and that "not so great feeling". It's bad enough I decided I would post on here and have it written down so after the seizure hits I can come back and reference it. Today is 12/24/2019 its 11:28 a.m. I woke up late and I wasn't hungry. I'm usually never hungry in the morning,yet I eat anyway, but on mornings like these the idea of eating just turns my stomach. I know that it will come and it will pass. If it kills me I will just go on to a better place. I'm drinking a cup of coffee to help give some drive to write. Even the coffee doesn't taste good either. It's times like these I think of the other servants of the Lord throughout history and the hardships that they had to endure. No one ever said life as a Christian would be easy. Sometimes I look back and it seems like before I got saved everything ran so much smoother. Maybe it was just the blindness of the sin. Being unable to recognize how much I was hurting the Lord. Disrespecting him. Now with the eyes of a born-again Christian I always know when I'm falling short and it hurts me. It hurts his spirit that lives inside of me. That regret is there. There are times I think that this affliction is a curse, but without it, who knows where I would be in this world. If my health was o.k. I would have a job, maybe even a college degree leading to a good job. I don't feel I would be in church. I was broken by a diabetic coma, it wasn't my epilepsy. My diabetes though, I have control over. I can control my sugar levels by choice. I feel the epilepsy is here to keep me broken and humble. My epilepsy I have no control over. It is all in God's hands. I have seizures even when I'm regular on my medication, such as right now. So I think it's the Lord's way of keeping me close to Him. I pray a lot. For others mostly, yet I do pray for myself. Maybe it was His way of getting me to talk to him, maybe to learn to pray for others. I used to be a very self-centered person. He changed that. I can hate the seizures, but the one thing I know is they keep me on my knees. I just don't think I would pray as much without them. Maybe they are my cross to bear. That Lord's cross was meant to be a torture device that led to his death. In the end it turned into a place of forgiveness, redemption, and salvation. That's how these seizures are. They torture me but they lead me back to my knees humbly thanking the Lord for life. I always ask forgiveness and thank Him for salvation. I feel if I wasn't having these seizures my prayer life would not be as strong. Don't get me wrong, dealing with these seizures I wake up every day thanking the Lord for life not just after my seizures. Even with the way I'm feeling now I still hit my knees first thing when I woke up. Now I'm glad I named this blog Epileptic Rants. I can definitely do a lot of ranting on here. Pray for me, I'll pray for you. Let's pray for everybody especially the lost. Oh the lost and blind.

Dear Lord, today is a gift. It wasn't promised. Help me be better today than I was yesterday. Help me be a good representation of you. If it be your will for me to have a seizure Lord, keep me safe, allow me to wake up. Thank you for your grace and your sacrifice for all sinners. You deserve all the glory. This I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

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