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Just a rant....

Alone while epileptic. Just a thought. It gets kind of scary sometimes. You know that feeling you get when the power goes off in your house unexpectedly during a storm. That momentary feeling of loss of control. When those switches you unconsciously expect to turn the lights on no longer work. That is a place where you have no control. Having no control is a big fear among humans. No, I haven't studied it nor do I have any statistics, I just know. Why? Because I'm human. I want all these luxuries that have been ingrained into my everyday life to constantly work without question. this is what I expect. I expect the toilet to flush, the lights to come on, the water to run, those with cars expect them to start at the turn of a key. Instant gratification is now becoming so ingrained into our culture we wouldn't know what to do without high speed internet. these are all luxuries. Nothing is promised, not even the simple concept of waking up in the morning. Nothing is promised other than salvation, but that's for another rant. The luxuries of this temporary world are just that, temporary. Imagine the feeling of waking up late one morning because your alarm did not go off because in the middle of the night the power went out to your house. Due to the power going out your phone doesn't charge, therefore no alarm. Now see yourself running to shower to get ready to be late for work and guess what, the water doesn't turn on. It's off too. So. due to work being so important you do what you can to make yourself presentable and you run to your car, and yes, it too doesn't start. That is all before you leave the house. The loss of control just in that situation alone is unbearable. What do you do? Don't ask me, As an epileptic. My answer to that problem (which happens to me regularly just in a different manner) is just deal with it, wait. Everything will come back on shortly. With epilepsy, we are constantly waiting for the power to go off, just not in the house, in our heads. Imagine waking up, somewhere, wondering first, where you are. Imagine looking around (just say) your bedroom thinking "Where am I?" It taking seconds to set in because you just don't know. Slowly the haze lifts and you know you're at home. At this time you feel totally in the present because the past is gone. No memory of anything from the recent past. Just a "How did I get here?", "Where was the last place I was at?" Rarely do I lose the memories that are important because physiologically they are just stored in a part of my brain not affected by the seizure. I have once before had to struggle to remember my own name. That was scary. That seizure must have hit a different part of my brain than my "regular" ones do. To me THAT is the power going off. Losing all control in a moment of fear and then emptiness that to the outside world is an ugly seizure but to me is just a second of unconsciousness. It really makes you appreciate the little things in life once you know something as simple as the next thought is not promised. Once we realize every moment is a gift, the world gets a lot smaller. We don't take so much for granted. Wow. Just a rant huh? I guess I needed that more than I knew. I guess it's because I'm back from one and walking the path, waiting for the next one. No, it's not promised either. ....just had a feeling, wanted to write. ...let's see, other than this I'm doing o.k. I need a haircut and I need to refill a medication. Wow, I wrote all that to remind myself to refill my meds. At least I remembered.

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