• just a servant...

Just got a blessing...

The Lord works in obvious ways to those with new eyes. I was going to do a podcast about how my cat has been missing for over a week and I think he's dead, but then I got a knock at my door. These are always surprising because my roommate and I have very few visitors. It was my Pastor and his wife. They came bearing gifts. They had the back of their s.u.v. loaded down with groceries and they were all for me. "Merry Christmas", they said. I was so ashamed. Now I understand even more why pride is a sin. Here are two people bringing gifts in the name of Jesus and I am ashamed to receive them. Why? Because I feel that there could be some other family out there that deserves it more? Am I ashamed at the thought of these two people whom I highly respect looking at me as needy? Do I feel I could be doing more with my life and I am wasting God's time? I understand it is pride. I don't want to feel needy, poor, or dependent upon anyone else. Even though my position in life has put me in a place where I have to be. These facts hurt. Looking in that mirror wanting to be something better knowing I'm as close to "good" as I'll probably ever get is a real slap in the face of reality. Yes, I understand that some decisions in my past could have helped me along the way to my position in life, but harping over those decisions are useless now. I try now to live each day decision by decision. One choice at a time. This way (if I can remember) I can look back and say "Ah, ah, ah, that right there got you right here. Living life one decision at a time has put me in a better pace spiritually first. The choice to give my life to Christ was the greatest decision I've ever made. That poor stupid kid would have never thought he would be the happiest in church. I've talked with people and had them say "So do you think Heaven is an eternal church service?", and I've told them, "I believe every Christian is happiest at church. So , why wouldn't it be?" I thanked my Pastor and his wife for the food. None of it shall go to waste. It was a happy surprise. After they found out that I would be spending Christmas alone they invited me to come to their house. My social anxiety just wouldn't allow me to say yes, or was it my pride. The devil likes to sneak into our lives disguised as many different things. He has many names. I told myself I was going to post more often, and it's perfect that the Lord came through and gave me a whole new topic to write about. As I said in a previous post this is my therapy. The Mental Health people wasn't me to join the Day Treatment program that they have but I told them that I was going to blog as a means of stress relief. The more I continue to do it, the more I feel I need to. These post are going to come regularly except for when I have my seizures and the time it takes to recover from them. That way I can look at the dates and it is a seizure diary too. I was supposed to have been keeping one of those since the beginning. I tried and tried, but I either would forget or lose it. So if nothing else, thank you Lord for grace, for mercy and for other loving servants. We can never love as much as you do, but we can spend this life trying.

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