• just a servant...

This is therapy...

Updated: Dec 31, 2019

As I believe I've stated before, I had the choice to join a treatment group through my local mental health service. I liked the idea at first, but then I thought about it some more. I have already been through that program once. I did enjoy it because it gave me something to do. It did not give me any purpose though. It just passed the time. I've been passing time here at home. The only difference would be that I would not be passing the time alone. I have found a little purpose in this blog and in my podcast. I'm doing something I've never done before. I'm learning a new skill because my typing is getting better. Through my podcast I'm facing a fear which is public speaking. Now, anyone who knows me is probably saying, "Fear of public speaking?" Yes. I have a major fear of public speaking,expressing myself in public if you will. No, I don't have a fear of speaking to groups of people, I just have a fear of expressing myself to others. I am very type b. I am very passive. I tend to go along with the pack. Expressing my own opinions and views is where it starts getting tough. Facts are facts. Stating facts versus stating opinions in public are two different things. People can't judge you for facts. Just look them up. Once you go to stating opinions, you just might tick someone off. I don't like being the one who makes waves. To some people this may come as shocking, yet to others they may say, "Oh, I knew that the whole time." This I believe is part of my mental health condition. I was always, well not always just in some very formative years of my life, made to feel that I was always wrong. My opinions did not matter. Like my voice would never be heard by anyone. I choose now to be a very passive talker. I used to talk a lot, but never say anything. Now I try only to talk when I have something to say. I've found that isn't often. I get a lot more out of listening. You learn a lot more that way. Even if I know I'll probably forget, there's always that chance a nugget of something will stay. That's one reason that this blog and podcast are therapeutic, because I'm learning to do something that I'm not comfortable at doing, expressing MY feelings. If I would have joined that group I would have ended up doing the same thing I always do, listen. Yes, I may have been asked a question or two and answered them in a group setting. That just gets easy after a while and you can always just say you don't feel like talking. Doing this, I have to express MY thoughts or, nothing is going to be put down on paper. I can answer any question with "I don't know." or "I don't feel like talking." But to blog like this, it comes straight from the mind to the paper. This is definitely therapeutic. I can pour a lot out here. Plus, it's something I can't do in the real world. Even in a therapy setting just being honest with myself still seems hard. It seems the only places I can accept myself are at church and right here. So I'm glad I started this endeavor. Heck, it gets me off of my phone for a little while and makes me use my brain. It's my brain that I'm losing, might as well use it while I still can. It's Monday the 30th. It's getting close to the end of the year. Maybe I've had my last seizure of 2019. I hope so. I'm taking my medications. I went to church twice yesterday for the first time in a while. I thoroughly enjoyed myself both times. For anyone reading this, if there's anything constructive you ever want to do, try it. You never know, you just might get something out of it. For anyone home bound and disabled, heck, start a blog. you've got a story. Tell it. If I can get my own website up and running it's now become too easy. Start a blog, you never know who just might read it along the way.

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